10 years ago I was...

...partying hard. Y2K was in the back of everyone's mind, I was working my up the corporate ladder, I loved living in Portland and I was really happy with my life. I had great friends and thought life could only get better. I spent New Year's back in southern Oregon, where I had grown up, around a bonfire getting drunk and smoking marijuana. Before making my way there, I had stopped off at my local hangout where I danced, drank and handed out "Y2K OK" stickers. These stickers were placed on the computers of the bank I was working at to ensure our customers we were in fact, ready for the millennium and the customer's money was indeed safe. Y2K OK. I sure thought I was okay, but life would never be the same in the year 2000 and would be changed forever.

It didn't take long for me to get a strong dose of reality. In January of this new wonderful start to the 21st century, I was fired from my job. Seriously? Me, get fired? Looking back I can see that I was insubordinate, lazy, disorganized and very prideful. I had come to Portland to open a new bank and I was proud as a peacock. My love for the nightlife that city living offered took control and my performance at work showed I was more interested in partying than being an asset to the company.

I wish I could say that was my only problem. Going to clubs several nights a week isn't cheap. To say I had financial problems is an understatement. I had no concept of money. Before moving to Portland I did not have to pay rent, make a car payment or pay any utilities. Every cent I made was spent on pot, drinking, dance clubs and clothes. Once in a while I would make a payment to my department store cards, but not often enough. I was irresponsible with a capital I but wanted to think I was mature. After all, I had a great job and was making my way through the corporate world smoothly and sweetly. Or so I thought.

Before getting to that dreaded Friday afternoon when I heard the words, "We are letting you go", let me tell you how I "handled" my financial hole I had dug so beautifully for myself. How do you fix a negative bank balance? You add a credit. Well, my banking skills lacked honesty, integrity and was down right illegal. In small amounts, I would take money from my drawer then deposit it into my checking account to avoid an overdraft. Believe me when I say this was done with every intention on paying it back. "Next paycheck I will get my budget under control and make good with my drawer." Well, you guessed it, that paycheck never came. Week after week passed and I not only didn't pay it back, but would continue to "borrow" and soon I realized I had stolen over $1700.00. I was able to cover it up by manipulating the paperwork and because I was the only one using my cash drawer, no one knew.

Now we get to the day my boss came to me and said I was fired. I'm sure several curse words ran through my head at that very moment. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I GOING TO DO??? They were going to count my drawer and see what I had done. I have a HUGE problem on my hands. In a panic, I quickly ran another deceitful transaction through to show my drawer had balanced. The source? A certificate of deposit belonging to my best friend's dad. This time, I'm not messing around. As soon as I get a chance, I will confess to my friend and make it right. After all, it will be much easier paying my friend who's like a sister to me than the bank. She'll understand me.

She asked me to live with her since I was no longer employed and I jumped on the offer. Oh, how I wish I could say I confessed and repented right away but truth is I was scared out of my mind. How in the world had I gotten into this mess? My friend is going to kill me. Time. I just needed more time to think it all through. In the meantime, I continued to drink, smoke and not take any responsibility for my life. Two months had past and I not only failed to come up with a plan to confess, I hadn't saved one penny. Not one! I was truly delusional. Maybe it would all go away. Riiight.

If you don't know how a certificate of deposit, or CD, works, click here. You know how I mentioned it belonged to my friend's dad? Well, he was in prison so I didn't think he'd be needing it anytime soon and I took advantage of the fact that this CD wasn't going anywhere. Another spoonful of reality came the day my friend asked me, "What's the penalty for withdrawing money from the CD before the term ends?" Uh, what? Excuse me? How providential that the sister of dear Daddy needed a small loan to save her business and kind-hearted brother was going to loan it to her. From his CD. You have to be freakin' kidding me!! I about died.

Again, I wish I would have taken this divine moment to confess and repent but I sputtered through some banking advice and went to my room. Okay, Jan, snap out of it. This is your opportunity to tell her the truth! There's no more time, no more waiting. You have to tell her NOW! Now was going to come the next morning before she left for the bank. Imagine the sick feeling I got when I noticed I had missed her. She left before I got up. Insert more curse words.

So, long story short, I was busted. The bank of course reimbursed the CD and I was now back owing them. I was very grateful my friend did not press charges. The bank on the other hand--had no problem. And who blames them. I was a thief. A criminal. A liar.

Thankfully, my sister and husband took me in and I was back in Portland living with them. I cooperated fully with the police. I spent nine hours in jail and made complete restitution. How, you might ask? From mutual funds I had invested in. Don't ask me why I didn't tap into that source before. God really had to get a hold of my heart and the only way I would listen was to be aware of my complete hopelessness.

That summer, God rescued me from darkness. I saw my sin was an offense to His holiness. And it wasn't just the sin of stealing the money from the bank, but every sin I had ever committed condemned me to spiritual death. God showed His glorious grace and mercy by opening my eyes to the work of Jesus on the cross. Jesus lived the life I couldn't live. He died the death I should have died. A line from one of my favorite songs says: "Every bitter thought, every evil deed, crowning your blood stained brow. This the power of the Cross. Christ became sin for us. Took the blame, bore the wrath, we stand forgiven at the cross."

A decade later, I am still in awe of His love toward sinners.

This new year I want to see my judgmental heart be melted away into compassion for others who are yet outside the Kingdom. I want to live in a way that shows my kids we are not better than anyone else because we go to church and act a certain way. I want to be a magnifying glass that makes me look small and God look incredibly astronomical.

If you've never come to see your need for a Savior, then you've never seen your sin. Remember, God does not judge you according to your standards but His. Click here to know more. I sincerely hope you do.

Lord bless you this New Year!